Reopened schools are reporting a strange knock-on effect of their communities becoming fungizonal petri dishes of potential disease – the students can’t detect the alarm and deep nervousness of all the new cover teachers that have now been employed to fill in the timetable gaps by those teachers who are shielding because of underlying health conditions or needing time off to win the jackpot on Who wants to be a Millionaire.
Headteachers are reporting that, instead of students pretending to be someone else at registration or starting a imperceptibly low humming noise that only gets louder when the cover teacher’s back is turned, such students are getting on with their work in a most diligent and attentive way. One headteacher said he even saw a cover teacher walking the corridor with a stray bit of toilet paper stuck to their shoe and witnessed one student delicately point this out to the teacher rather than shout, ‘oi Sir, your pants are showing!’. There have even been reports of students attending the same weekend showing of Tenet as their good-looking female teacher and her new boyfriend and instead of throwing popcorn at them and then hiding under the seat, students have been quietly nodding hello and then sitting in the front rows so the teacher can see them!
Sales of Lynx for newly qualified male teachers have taken a dip.
Virologists say that although the phenomenon is being noticed in the young, it does not seem to be affecting adults – so Conservative MPs will still be able to detect the fear emanating from Downing Street that Boris will be replaced by Christmas.