Britain’s stockpilers prepare for second hard hoard


As confirmed cases of Covid-19 increase on a daily basis, the R number leaps above 1, and more regions experience local lockdowns, Britain’s selfish-shopping elite are making preparations for a second hard hoard.

When Boris Johnson was instructed by the prime minister to place the UK into a hard lockdown at the beginning of the coronavirus crisis, few people of measured purchasing habits would have believed the speed and voracity that Britain’s Hungry Hippos would leave parents without the means to wipe their children’s arses.

Within minutes of appearing on shelves, supermarkets were be cleared of basic essentials: toilet rolls, pasta, flour, and charcoal briquettes.

The tell-tale signs of an imminent hard hoard are now visible: a high Covid transmission rate, an increase in account activity for online food delivery and pornography, and, most significantly, a Boris Johnson relationship scandal.

Self-centred bulk buyer, Maurice Hardacre, commented: “The second hard hoard couldn’t come at a better time for myself and my wife. Our daughter is leaving for university, and although we love her very much, we love the storage space her room will provide so much more.”

Authorities report cannabis farmers are turning to the more lucrative practice of producing black-market yeast, and with more and more senior civil servants resigning their posts to take plum jobs in the burgeoning pasta manufacturing sector, it appears the second wave of shelfishness may be about to break our supply chains and no doubt persist until Britain reaches hoard immunity.

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Posted: Sep 16th, 2020 by

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