Occasionally controversial broadcaster, Channel 4, has today revealed that its new set for the twee, middle-class family favourite ‘The Great British Bake-Off’, will be the crack house of its now defunct popular soap opera, Brookside.
‘It shouldn’t be a problem adjusting the set to be honest’ revealed a Channel 4 source. ‘There’s plenty of old spoons knocking about the place’.
As well as a new base, the producers hope to inject ‘a breath of fresh air’ into the format with a keen eye on ‘dramatic licence’. It is believed that everybody’s favourite grandma, Mary Berry, will undergo a dramatic transformation as ‘Ma’ Berry- a hard-nosed market stall holder who hides crack cocaine and other illegal drugs in the sachertortes and other sweetly delicious patisserie products she sells at her stall made by the frail hands of her people-trafficked ‘slaves’ who each week compete to ‘hide the crack’ using only 6 dozen eggs, a pound of flour, some butter and a piping bag from John Lewis. All for a few measly licks of a leftover baking bowl that Berry will chuck into their flea-infested bedroom.
Berry’s co-presenter, Paul Hollywood, is also expected to feature in the show; with Channel 4 producers hoping to borrow the black leather jacket worn by Joey Boswell for him to wear from the BBC’s other bakery based show, Bread. It is believed that, unlike Berry, no accent coaches will be required for him to take on his new role. It is hoped by the show’s producers that the Boswell character’s ‘Greetings’ catchphrase will also be revived by Hollywood in ‘a totally ironic post-modernistic type of way’.
Hopes to dramatically juxtapose the lives of Berry and her slaves with that of their nice, middle-class neighbours were dashed when the show’s other two presenters, Mel and Sue, refused to join the reincarnation of the show.
As well as dealing with controversial issues such as drug dealing, people trafficking and the sheer unbridled horror of opening the door too soon so that the cakes go flat, the show’s producers also hope to inject ‘some more real life kitchen sink drama’ with storylines featuring rape, unemployment, divorce, incest and murder -though critics of the new format have already predicted that the new show will be a flop ‘buried deep, deep within the patio of the ratings.’
S J Roe