The current logjams in COVID-19 testing capacity in the UK will be resolved within days, Health Secretary Matt Hancock has announced, with the use of an world beating new algorithm.
‘Instead of having to refresh the DHCS webpage every minute for three days, travel 300 miles to Aberdeen with temperature of 39.5 and have a swab stuck up your nostril, our algorithm will give you a positive or negative result in seconds, drawing on data on your age, home address, current medical conditions, and whether you work in a Wetherspoons.’
‘This is an exciting cross-department initiative’, continued Hancock. ‘We’ve borrowed cutting edge technologies from the Department of Education and OFQUAL, who, I understand, ran highly successful trials with a similar algorithm on year 13 school pupils this summer’.
Cabinet ministers are said to have been pleased with the results offered by the test, which had 20 per cent base accuracy, a figure which rose to 95% once false negatives that fitted the government’s agenda were removed.
‘Those people with hacking coughs, no sense of smell, who never wash their hands, but who enjoy eating out to help out and who work in an office in London, will get immediate reassurance of a negative result with the algorithm, so they can continue going about their daily business and helping the economy’, confirmed Hancock.
‘And I can reassure any grouse shooters with symptoms that the algorithm automatically codes them as negative, and the Saturday hunt in Blanchland is ON’.