Increasingly fed up with Lewis Hamilton championing BLM by leading taking the knee before races, and wearing a shirt highlighting US police brutality, rumours have surfaced that hacked-off F1 directors have taken the drastic step of replacing the dead-eyed chuff-magnet with a less troublesome automaton pre-programmed to stick to their whiter-than-white script.
Another driver said, “Mercedes didn’t really go for Lewis’s radical message promoting diversity, equality, and not shooting innocent black people. They didn’t want it distracting him from what he does best: driving a tuned-up hairdryer round in circles.
“The next time we saw ‘Lewis’ by the mechanics’ sheds, he was a foot taller, oddly burnished, and even more monotone than usual. Still no one suspected anything until there was a loud clang, and we found him magnetised to the side of Sebastian Vettel’s Ferrari.”
Asked if an AI driver would cause any issues, our insider shrugged. “Humans, robots; everyone should be given a chance- except women, obviously, unless they’re getting the winner’s ludicrously phallic bottle of champagne jizzed over them.
“Bring it on, I say, although he did clock up an impressive 312 mph on the practice circuit yesterday. Without a car.”
RoboLewis or not, at his latest press conference the six-time champion certainly seemed to have changed his tune, explaining taking the knee was a gesture of humility to show “none may stand taller than our great hero Bernie Ecclestone”.
Flashing a new ‘Starkey is my homeboy’ tattoo on one titanium shoulder, LewisBot44 then walked repeatedly into the doorframe until led away in chains.