As the lockdown ‘rule of six’ extends to all social gatherings, except hunting, teenagers are resorting to wearing jodhpurs to nightclubs and taking deer to house parties. Weddings are also exempt, which is reassuring if you find a willing grouse, over the age of consent.
You can hold a family barbeque if poultry are invited; although, naturally, the chickens might be suspicious of your motives. Places of worship remain open, although it should be noted that most pheasants are agnostic.
With 8% of the UK reserved for grouse hunting and just 6% for 83% of the human population, your average grouse is able to socially distance from one another by over 7,000km. By contrast your average UK citizen lives in densely populated areas and would probably benefit from being culled by the local hunt.
Under regulations you can be fined up £3,200 but your payment will be refunded if you then bludgeon a badger with a shovel. Said one youth: ‘I wanted to visit my friends, so I dressed up as a fox and let them chase me around the park for half an hour. It was a good laugh, until someone unleashed twenty hounds and I had to hide in a storm-drain’.