In a statement from the White House today a spokesman has denied the President requested ‘one of those Jedi weapons’ to dispel peaceful protesters from the White House lawns in June. ‘It’s possible we contacted the Pentagon on the President’s behalf to request a heat ray, laser cutter, tactical nuclear weapon or maybe just a phial of Anthrax,’ suggested the spokesman, ‘but the President says he knows that Star Wars is just a movie, so I guess I believe him.’
He also denied the use of water cannons was requested. ‘Why would we use water cannons on peaceful protesters when we have proper cannons, with 60mm shells and everything?’ When asked if the idea of requesting the protesters peacefully disperse had been considered the spokesman suggested that would be playing into their hands. ‘They’d love that, wouldn’t they? A polite request from a Republican President. That would just be playing into their hands.’
The spokesman defended the eventual use of tear gas, rubber bullets and force – ‘nobody could get the lid off the Anthrax’ – to allow the President to cross the White House lawn to enter the local church and hold a Bible. ‘The clouds parted and a great roar came from the heavens, with lightning striking all around. If that wasn’t those so-called peaceful protesters doing that, who else?’ he asked.
‘Say, have you just used one of those Jedi mind tricks to make me tell you all of this?’ he asked.