Scotland’s First Minister has rejected David Cameron’s insistence on a shared British clock and has proposed a move to a system where by the Scots, under cover of darkness, could sneak south of the border to ‘steal the women folk’. Nicola Sturgeon warned the Prime Minister that his days of a united approach to timekeeping were numbered or at the very least ‘moving from imperial to metric’.
Nicola Sturgeon explained to reporters that ‘borrowed time’ was an equitable combination of more time in bed, Scottish autonomy and ‘welching on your debts’. She said Mr. Cameron must prepare to re-set the independence debate and his alarm clock. The people of Scotland were tired of waking up grumpy and grumpy about waking up tired.
The Prime Minister has told aides that he is concerned that the North of England is vulnerable to attack from the nocturnal Scots. According to the last Tory manifesto: ‘…most Scottish citizens are small mammals adapted to a subterranean lifestyle and who survive on a diet of invertebrates, covered in salt and sauce’. The document goes on to explain that the Scots have polydactyl forepaws and can wreak havoc with your lawn.
Some have expressed concern that if the Scots acquire independence over clocks, that this will be followed by further demands for their own space–time continuum, resulting in a tartan version of The Matrix. A Whitehall spokeswoman said: ‘It’s all a matter of time. And there’s a right time but that time isn’t now. The SNP see it as a race against time, but a week is a long time in politics. And at this moment in time, we have no timetable to review time, we simply don’t have the time’.