Discovering that migrants are selling internal organs such as kidneys and liver to fund their travel has raised a conundrum for British officials.
“If they’ll take up less room, we can pack more of them into the converted stationery cupboard of a vacated insurance office?” pondered a harassed spokesperson from the Department of Can’t We Just Mine the Channel? “But does missing several vital organs make them more likely to place a strain on the NHS, or less?
“Will an immigrant with just one lung suck in less valuable British air? With only one kidney, less water? More? Does it affect what comes out the other end? We don’t need any more strain on an antiquated sewerage system already struggling with the effluent pouring out of Katie Hopkins.
“Can someone without a hypothalamus still make a valuable contribution in an unlicensed nail bar? If they are in the unlikely position of being offered the citizenship test, how will they sing Land of Hope and Glory if they’ve sold their vocal cords to a talentless wannabe X-Factor auditionee?”
Less hysterical commentators sought to reassure migrants that Britain is a land of opportunity, full complement of internal organs or not, pointing to the Prime Minister’s lack of guts in dealing with senior advisors. Priti Patel famously sold her heart, along with her pet dog and grandmother, for a new Audi, and anyone involved in designing the track and trace programme must surely have had a full lobotomy.
With questions now being asked about the destination of the black market livers, kidneys, and less savoury organs, Tim Martin, owner of Wetherspoons and already in the spotlight for reheating cheap prepacked frozen meals, was spotted looking slightly nauseous tucking into one of the chain’s delicious Syrian spleen and ‘sausage’ casseroles recently.