Scientists have warned today that the recent rise in COVID-19 infection rate means Britain could soon be facing months of interminable Downing Street coronavirus briefings in the near future.
It’s understood that secret plans were put in place several weeks ago to recommence the daily briefings, with top scientific experts such as Noel Edmonds and Russel Grant being told to clear their diaries, and several hundred copies of the Ladybird Book of Numbers being delivered to Priti Patel’s house.
Leicester housewife Sharon Harper was one of many concerned by the news. ‘I just can’t believe we’re going through this again. I’ve only just got over the daily disappointment of tuning in for Pointless only to find I’ve got to watch that shit instead. I can cope with my nearest and dearest dying an agonising, lonely death from an incurable respiratory disease, but please God don’t make me have to watch Matt Hancock trying to speak like a normal human again.
Although I guess it does mean I’ll get to see more of that gorgeous Chris Whitty. Honestly the things I’d let that man do to me.’
A government spokesman though tried to strike a more reassuring tone. ‘We understand the public’s concern but really we just have to push on through. And if they really can’t cope then they should simply follow government advice and drive 200 miles to a remote farmhouse in the north-east to get away from it all. Beside, perhaps they can look at it this way. Anything that keeps the Prime Minster from massacring innocent grouse or bothering the odd orchestra for a few weeks has to be worth it surely?’