It’s the game all the schoolboys love: Parliamentary Top Trumps. MPs past and present are scored on Sex Appeal (with scores ranging from zero to minus 10), Brown Envelope (“I got Neil Hamilton! Yay!”), Charisma, Judgement and Oratory.
Boris had been a banker of a card with the top score of 10 for Charisma and Oratory, though the latest pack just shows a photo of a Samsung fridge with a blond wig on the top, and scores of zero for everything except Brown Envelope and Sex Appeal.
“Obviously I don’t find him sexy” said a spokesman, but he’s impregnated more women than that American fertility doctor who kept filling his own test tubes so there’s something going on”.
Unusually for Britain the Brown Envelope category now has more high scorers than a Saudi arms contract. “Covid has helped”, said the Top Trumps spokesman. “Who could have imagined that the NHS would give us corruption scandals? Certainly not Nye Bevan, who said he’d stuffed GPs’ mouths with gold. Do you think the current crop misheard him? GP might sound a bit like MP if you say it with an accent . . .”