A man who owns a small business specialising in selling dried pasta and toilet roll has celebrated the latest corona virus restrictions by placing an order for a brand new Ferrari.
Frank Gittens, from Northampton, fulfilled a lifelong ambition of owning a Ferrari after the first UK lockdown caused a load of simpletons to fill their homes with as many non-perishable goods as they could get their hands on, and he is now looking forward to a second wave of panic buying.
“I’m so confident that Boris’s announcement is going to lead to people stripping supermarket shelves of bog roll and pasta again that I’ve already placed an order for another supercar. The first one I bought was a Testarossa as that was a childhood dream, this time I’ve gone for a 599 GTO as a more modern alternative.” said Mr Gittens, while repricing packs of toilet roll to more than double the normal rate.
“I’ve got a load of really cheap and nasty rolls ready for this situation, to maximise profits. You know the sort that you have to use at least three sheets to have any confidence your finger won’t go through? I reckon I can get at least a fiver for a pack of four now.”
Since the first lockdown toilet roll salesmen now make up half of the UK’s millionaires, and Frank splits his time between his home in Northampton, a newly acquired villa in Spain, and an exclusive golf resort in Florida.
He is currently increasing prices from “expensive” to “extortionate” and sharing pictures of empty shelves on social media. All of which helps to encourage those people who are adamant that they’re not panic buying themselves, they’re just stocking up because of all of the other people who are panic buying, completely oblivious to the irony.