As everywhere, except the lucrative Blackpool Illuminations, in the north is now incurring tighter Covid restrictions, an insider from the embattled Department of Health disclosed: “Northerners aren’t following Matt’s guidelines. He assumes it’s their inability to understand the advice rather than contrary guidelines that ministers routinely disobey to be the problem.”
“We needed a rustic analogy that approximately reflected Covid transmission data but would be impossible to hold us to account over. So, we decided to replace the R number with something northerners might pay better attention to – the spreadability of butter. Plebs love butter.
“Under the slogan ‘Hard butter saves lives!’ The advice will be: a zero R number is a pat of chilled high-fat, raw-milk butter that spreads like frozen Lego. Micro risk of infection. Get back to work.
“An R number of above 1 is now a foil-wrapped oblong of Kerrygold, sat in a glass dish on a radiator in direct sunlight. It’s going every-f*cking-where. Lockdown.
“The boffins believe the easing of lockdown restrictions in August to allow the PM to get a haircut and a pint has given northerners licence to shag everyone in sight. In terms of the analogy: currently the R number is so high it’s like they’re using Mick Hucknall’s hair straighteners on Lurpak Spreadable.
Critics claim the change is to dumb down awareness of the inconvenient rise in the transmission rate of Covid-19, with the government wanting the public to buy into another soppy culinary analogy, like ‘oven-ready Brexit’; that being neither ‘oven-ready’, nor the Brexit the PM was elected on, or as it’s now known: ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Brexit.’