Libertarians have started to complain that condoms are infringing their personal rights, interrupting foreplay and turning erections into 5G antenna. Recent conspiracy-based research has confirmed that HIV was nothing but an elaborate scam in the 80s, designed to sell prophylactics and ruin Rock Hudson’s career.
Revealed one steadfast bare-backer: ‘Covid. HIV. It’s all a hoax. Remember the Millennium Bug? Hmmm?’ Nobody caught that through unprotected sex. I refuse to wear condoms, masks or any form of restrictive clothing. Now, where did I leave my tin foil hat?’
Another explained: ‘Despite Government guidance to wear a condom on public transport, evidence suggest that the chances of being offered sex in a train toilet, remains relatively low. It is a well-known truth, that there is nothing more friendly than an uncovered penis. Wearing a condom, forces people to make unnatural eye contact, rather than just comfortably staring at genitals. And, we all know, condoms prevents the penis from breathing properly.’
Rumours that the absence of a condom can lead to pregnancy have been dismissed as the nanny state trying to prevent more nannies. Meanwhile, teachers have been told not to cover their genitals for fear of unsettling the school kids.
Asked if this was similar to not wearing a mask, one Tory MP replied: ‘Oh, I still wear a gimp mask during sex’.