The doomed inhabitants of several Northern towns trapped in a local lockdown have reacted furiously to the latest government testing proposals. The Lord Mayor of Byecklad and neighbouring cities of Eczemaford and Shitehouse, demanded to know why their entire population of scab ridden covidiots, or ‘Northerners’ to use a Whitehall colloquialism, had been singled out for such a draconian measure.
‘People in the Northern hemisphere of Ye Merry Olde England just aren’t listening said Health Secretary and part-time helium balloon, Matt Hancock. ‘They are well known as a sub species of inveterate rule breakers. Most of the illiterate bastards think ‘urge’ is a French soup, have sex during wedding receptions, and refuse to accept the very existence of the virus because they can’t see it.’
They have no choice but to stay inside their tatty houses, wash their laundry in avocado-coloured bathroom suites, and avoid making phone calls due to risk of transmission by 5G. Frankly, there is simply nothing on the market more effective than a stiff, regular dose of rectal swabbing to focus minds on the task at hand and control my inner sadist.’