Universities finding the government’s testing programme as helpful as a teetotal flounder in a Beer Pong five-a-side team have launched their own, specially tailored to lure students into unknowingly participating.
“It’s impossible to stop freshers moistly rubbing up against each other,” shouted a spokesperson above the din of Exeter’s inaugural study week and snogathon.
“Remember, these are mainly privileged middle-class teens emerging from the trauma of finding this year’s sixth-form classes, exams, summer jobs, alarm clocks and responsibilities replaced by enforced loafing, lie-ins and sunbathing. The poor things clearly deserve to let off bucket loads of virus-infused pestilential steam.”
Enterprising universities have disguised in-house testing regimes as hot new cocktails and associated drinking games, including Viral Neckchaser, Nobb Up The Nose, Gove’s Gag Reflex and Deep-Throating Matt Hancock.
“Everyone’s continually pissed,” confirmed the spokesperson, breaking off from supervising an enthusiastic midday session of Strip’ n’ Scrape. “But that makes it easy to gently shepherd them back to their rooms after a positive test result. Once safely quarantined, we’ve found they swiftly revert to childhood bedroom behaviours. As long as we supply a constant stream of coffee and toasties, they’re too anxious about their mummies barging in and catching a glimpse of what’s on their laptop screens to cause any trouble.”