Twelve laws to keep the buzz going from breaking international law?

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Is the day-to-day tedium of legal compliance bringing you down? Do you need to feed your lust for overriding? Get your kicks from breaking these twelve laws instead:

Newton’s Third Law Of Motion

As evidenced by cabinet members retaining their positions despite dreadful pandemic mismanagement; actions do not have an equal and opposite reaction. Newton’s Third isn’t true when applied to politics, if it were, Sir Captain Tom would be PM.

Lockdown Restrictions

Like Stretch Armstrong, these laws cannot be broken only bent beyond recognition. If confronted, say you: ‘acted reasonably and legally’, ‘did what any father would do’, or ‘took a short drive to test your eyesight’. The latter also circumvents reading number plates before a driving test.

Murphy’s Law

Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Proof being the government’s handling of the coronavirus crisis, Brexit and anything else that comes within two metres of it. This law is immutable and reinforced by Boris’ attempts to prove otherwise.

Jude Law

Good luck trying to get your clauses into this law in a very specific and unlimited way. If the prospect of performing twelve hours of continuous live TV doesn’t break this suave charmer, it’s highly unlikely you will.

Cole’s Law

Governs the relationship between shredded vegetables and milky mayonnaise. Ride roughshod over this law by replacing key elements with slices of bread, a meat filling, and actual mayonnaise. No one will have the strength to hold you accountable, just like international law.

P Law

The rule that rice can be any colour except white

Inn Law

Visiting relatives must be accommodated only in cheap hotels. Failure to conform to this law has dire consequences, such as shouting, drunkenness and violence

 Folk Law

The principal of a body of culture expressed by harmonica playing simpletons accompanied by badly tuned, twangy guitars.It states that the pressure (p) of a given quality of string plucking varies inversely with its hideous volume (v) at constant temperature; i.e., in equation form, pv = k, a constant racket. I mean, frankly, who even gives half a shit.

Law of Perpetual Motion

Did you really eat those undercooked sausages & chicken at the weekend BBQ ?

Law of Gravity

Defy it simply by refusing to be serious about it

Broad Law

The highest hill in the Scottish Borders is popular with ramblers, just the sort of annoying proles you like to wind up. Being a huge mass of rock, earth and grass it’s hard to break; but if you can whip up a few charts showing potential for oil you can probably persuade the fracking johnnies to have a go. Might even be able to make a few quid flogging them a permit.

Lawdy Miss Clawdy

An ancient Elvis Presley record that should be broken as soon as you hear it.


Hat tip: Sinnick, O’Shaughnessy, Titus, Sir Lupus

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Posted: Sep 30th, 2020 by

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