Following a meeting between the Prime Minister and some of his chums, the North of England is to be subject to strict new Covid rules. From Saturday it will be an offence to play in a brass band, wear nowt on yer feet, or cause trouble at mill. Anyone found wearing clothes that have seen better days could be subject to a fine of six shillings or deportation to the colonies.
Northerners have accused the Prime Minister of class prejudice, but the PM insists the restrictions are necessary to stop a sharp increase in Ken Loach films. He told reporters: ‘Northern communities consist mainly of matchstick men and matchstick cats and dogs, which poses a considerable fire hazard, especially when little urchins spark their clogs against the cobbled streets.’
A spokesperson for the Institute for Northern Tropes said: ‘When I were a lad, we were so poor we had to share disabilities. But we were no-nonsense Yorkshire!’
A sweetshop owner in Rochdale told Newsbiscuit: ‘Things have never been the same since Robert Mugabe died. Did you know, if you read his name backwards it says ‘E’bagum trebor.’
The Prime Minister insists he has always had a soft spot for the north. He often compares himself to a miner because he likes to dig holes. Even with scientific advisors to hand, he keeps himself totally in the dark.