Jubilant Spurs fans riding a crest of Gareth Bale mania were swiftly brought crashing back down to earth, when a hideously familiar figure emerged from a military helicopter that landed in the training ground.
Weighing in at over three stones more than the helicopter, coughing heavily and carrying a signed Spurs replica ventilator, Major League soccer ball super-star Donaldo took three penalties using his number five iron.
‘It’s a PR disaster,’ said David Fielder, the Director of Kicking Footballs. ‘Apparently The Sporting Director of Actually I Prefer Golf, just signed up a lump of fetid blubber with a man bun and thousands of Twitter followers.’
The pundits were quick to latch onto the calamitous error. Robbie Cocknuts served up his usual incisive opinionated drivel.
‘Donaldo only plays on the right-wing. He’s never passed to a teammate on the left and with that haircut he’ll only ever be a fringe player. Saying that though, he’s not bad on his feet for a big lad riddled with the virus.’
Donaldo’s Slovenian agent, and personal masseuse, Melania explained that he loves playing soccerball, although he feels the players should wear white hoods and carry automatic weapons. In a hastily convened press conference, Manager Jose Mourinho compared the mistake to a Shakesperian tragedy, and said Donaldo only signed for Spurs ‘because our emblem is a giant cock.’