Scientists conducting an interdisciplinary experiment at Cambridge have been condemned as ‘foolish’ after two of Pavlov’s dogs began responding or not responding to the possibility of Schrödinger’s cat being alive or dead in a sealed box near their kennels. This created a paradox which led to the cosmos imploding, with unconfirmed press reports adding that it may lead to the worst snowstorms in FIFTY years this weekend and YOU are paying for them.
‘We wanted to test the hypothesis that the form of classical conditioning in which a biologically potent stimulus is paired with a previously neutral one could affect the outcome of quantum mechanics as applied to everyday objects,’ said Professor Hugh Attwood. ‘Unfortunately it turned out to be, in layman’s terms, a bloody stupid idea.’
When the two hungry labrador retrievers heard a bell that they had come to associate with being fed, they ran excitedly around a room in which a cat was sealed inside a box with a flask of poison and a radioactive source. This caused the box to open, after which the cat, who was simultaneously alive and dead at that precise moment, both hissed and scratched at one of the dogs and was chewed into pieces by the other.
All attempts to use the experiment to measure when exactly quantum superposition ends and reality collapses into one possibility or the other were stymied by the dogs urinating on the floor in panic. This led one researcher to slip over and crash into the cage of an African Grey parrot being trained to speak languages. He then called observers a bunch of clumsy cunts in Latvian, Thai and Xhosa, none of which he had previously learned.
‘I can only apologise,’ added Professor Attwood. ‘Bringing the universe to an end is the last thing we needed when UK scientific research is already facing severe cuts in funding. I’m sure this won’t happen again with my new team, who are entirely British, all supporters of Brexit and far too sensible to mix animal psychology with particle physics.’
The new team then climbed onto their desks screeching and threw their faeces at each other in a 35 mile circle, accelerating it to 99.99999% of the speed of light until it re-emerged through a black hole on the other side of the Milky Way as a new Katie Price autobiography.