A businessman in his forties from West London is recovering in hospital from an unprovoked and unexpected assault by some of the capital’s leading cinematic commentators.
Jeffery Smarts reports that he was standing at Tottenham Court Road station and, because he has a 5G phone, he was passing the time watching a downloaded stream of the recent ‘A Star is Born’ with Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga. Although a native Londoner of many years and self-trained in being vigilant for anything out of the ordinary, Smarts says he didn’t notice a man with a greying waxed quiff and large NHS style glasses sidle up to him and whisper in a slightly menacing tone, “Eight nominations, and only one win“. Smarts reports, being London born, he doesn’t usually indulge in ideal chit-chat when public transport is involved but he retorted, “sorry, pardon me?“. He says at this moment the perpetrator, seeming to sense vulnerability, lurched towards him, and began shouting “Not as good as the George Cukor version…Cukor originally wanted Cary Grant for the James Mason role!….just ask Simon Mayo!“. Alarmed by this rapid change in demeanour, Smarts says he quickly left the platform – dropping his recently bought chocolate bar and looking backwards to see the man begin to froth at the mouth and twist and contort his body in the most horrifyingly angular ways. Smarts say that he began running away but found it hard to get up the right pace because he was carrying an umbrella and suitcase at the time and every time he looked backwards, he was now being followed by a different person – someone with baggy eyes, slightly balding pate and a Guardian newspaper name tag – who was also seated on a kind of motorised, dolly, steadicam contraception bellowing and howling ‘it’s only a POV shot darling but nothing as masterful as the matched cut in 2001!“.
As Smarts neared the escalator, he says he remembers dropping his umbrella and the contents of his suitcase splaying everywhere as he struggled to keep his feet on the moving walkway – only then did he see both stalking figures approach from the gloom and begin to near him. At this point, Smarts says he thinks he passed out and the last thing he saw was a poster for Tenet. When found by ambulance staff, his face was smeared with printer ink and his pockets were filled with chocolate mint poppets.
The Metropolitan Police have appealed for eye-witnesses and warned commuters to always be watchful for other rabid or wild creative arts gangs who may be seeking to survive the pandemic in the underground – except Laurence Fox – for which a vaccine should be available by Christmas.