Following Rishi Sunak’s advice that those in the arts should consider new careers, it appears that many of Britain’s top actors have done just that.
‘I was amazed’ exclaimed labourer John Wiggins. ‘We were on site waiting for the scaffolders to arrive, and who should turn up but only bloody M from those Bond films. She did a pretty good job to be fair, she certainly knows her way round a 48.3mm tube clamp. And not a bad arse either for an 85 year old.’
Not everyone in the building trade was as pleased. Plumber Alf Maynard was one of many warning about the effects a swathe of newly butt-cleavaged thespians might have on his livelihood. ‘It was bad enough when all those Polish lads came over and started undercutting me with their quality workmanship and reasonable pricing structures. But now I’ve got to cope with this as well. Take the other day, I got called out to fix a dodgy ball-cock only to find Mark Rylance there already, elbow deep in the u-bend.
Then I popped in to Screwfix and that Sir Ian McKellen was in buying their entire stock of thermostatic mixing valves from right under my bloody nose. Honestly, it’s a nightmare.’
Rumours that Laurence Fox is planning a new career as a sewage contractor have yet to be confirmed. But the stench emanating from his Twitter account suggests that it may be on the cards.