God has finally decided He doesn’t exist. ‘Since the beginning of time, and even earlier, I’ve had faith in My existence. I created man in My own image so I could share my delight in being Me, then woman because I realised I’d made a schoolboy error, but being Me I let man stay as well.
‘I created the universe for man to live in, even the fiddly bits that make up the quarks. I watched with pride as My image reproduced, formed societies and invented things like urinals that I’d never have thought of, to be honest. Or tampons, WTF. I was a little disappointed in the squabbling that went on and nearly called the whole thing off during the World Wars – talk about ungrateful.
‘I was never that big on the adulation, the knee bending, the human sacrifices although the odd naked pagan ritual was kinda cool, but not the naked guys, obvs. I didn’t even mind the reproduction lottery throwing up the likes of Blair and Bush – irritating true, but mostly harmless. But this Trump guy has really got up My nose.
‘A blessing from Me? I don’t think so, the guy’s an arse – another fiddly bit on a par with the quarks, BTW – so it got Me to thinking. I didn’t intend much of this to happen, no-One in Their right mind would. It’s out of hand as it looks like a lot of apparently normal people believe him, so they clearly don’t believe in someone like Me. I don’t believe in who they believe in and they say it’s God so I obviously don’t believe in Me.
‘I’m handing the reins over to someone called David Icke. Seems a bit of a nutter to me, but if you’re going to listen to this Trump fellow then you might as well go the whole hog. I’m off to make another universe somewhere else, with just the one woman, maybe two. Don’t come looking.’