The UK Government is considering establishing a colony on Mars as an economy measure. A cost of living survey found that it would be cheaper for a family of four to live in a Perspex bubble talking to a disembodied computer voice than to rent a squalid, damp studio flat in Ealing.
“Even when you take travel costs into account, Mars is a bargain” said estate agent Mike Andrews. “Okay, a three stage rocket to Mars ain’t cheap, but you save a fortune on season tickets. We reckon the payback period is three years”.
The government is also considering locating people in volcanoes, a hollowed-out mountain made entirely of gold and a town made from Swarovski crystals. All are less expensive than Chelsea, and slightly less vulgar.
Over the past thirty years several government departments have moved out of London to the grimmer parts of the UK in the vain hope that other Londoners would follow them, like a pied piper with a pension, but it didn’t work – although Swansea and Newcastle now have electricity and basic sanitation, which is a plus.
Ryanair are said to be ‘very interested’ in the move, as Mars would still be closer to central London than Ryanair’s current ‘London’ airport.