Quantum theory ‘screwed’ as cat emerges wiping cyanide from its whiskers


‘For decades we’ve taken Schrodinger’s cat thought experiment at face value; that superposition exists because the cat can be alive or dead at the same time,’ said a researcher today. ‘However for various reasons, probably ethical I guess, nobody has empirically tested it until today when I caught my neighbour’s cat dumping on my lawn, that is. That’s when I decided to prove or disprove the theory, risking screwing up quantum theory in the process’.

‘As it happens I have a spare Geiger counter in my uni lab, some radioactive material left over from a freshers party last week and some cyanide capsules I’ve been hanging on to until the mother in law next visits. I had a suitably oversized cardboard box that Amazon had usefully packaged a thumb drive in. So I set up the experiment, shoving the cat, counter, radioactive material and cyanide capsules in quickly and left it for exactly an hour’.

‘When I opened the box the cat strolled out, coughed up the cyanide capsules in a fur ball and dumped on my desk. In principle we’re going to have to rethink the whole world of quantum physics because of that experiment, which means I’ve either got a job for life and a Nobel prize in the offing, or I’m out on my arse as quantum physics won’t be a thing anymore’.

‘So, in the end, I decided to kill the cat, which was quite satisfying to tell the truth.  If the neighbours ask where it is, I’ll say I saw it wandering around – thus making it simultaneously both alive and dead.  Problem solved, apart from the steaming turd on my desk.’

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Posted: Oct 13th, 2020 by

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