Every year, more than 100 million rodents are killed in US laboratories alone, so rats are somewhat underwhelmed by any claims made by the Coronavirus. Said one rat: ‘Surviving 28 days on a mobile phone is one thing, but can Covid-19 navigate a maze for piece of cheese?’
Other mammals are equally disappointed; remarked one rabbit: ‘I’ve got shampoo in one eye, perfume in the other and I’m being tested to see if lipstick reacts to myxomatosis – trust me, being a virus is easy. And spare a thought for Labradors, they’re literally experiencing Lab Conditions their entire life’.
Explained one cancer-ridden rodent: ‘I’m been made to smoke fifty cigarettes a day – do you think a little virus is going to bother me?’ Despite having a hole drilled into his skull for invasive brain experiments, Malcolm the Rat was sanguine about his life expectancy: ‘I’ve been mutilated, mutated and pumped full of methamphetamine – I’m scared of nothing. Except cats. Yeah, cats are still scary’.