To simplify the government’s strategy for tackling the pandemic, warning levels have been broken down into three easy to follow tiers.
The most serious ‘Commonsensical’ level applies to households with a QAnon twitter account and in which at least one family member likes to lick door handles and toilet seats. The medium ‘Optionality’ level applies to groups of six. This must include at least one goal keeper if you’re having a kick-around with another household. The lowest ‘Robusticity’ level applies only to those who say their favourite colour is not green. If your favourite colour is green you can do pretty much anything you like before 10pm.
So to clarify –
Level 1 – Commonsensicality
Driving licences, Pilot licenses, and Medical qualifications are replaced by Certificates of Common Sense which you can pick up at any post office. Rules apply to parts of the Midlands, North West England, Gateshead, Broadmoor, Wormwood Scrubs, and Falkland Islands.
Level 2 – Optionality
Applies only to shire counties. You may cough on, or at, one other person providing that person is serving you in a shop, cleaning your windows, or mowing your lawn. If a wealthy family member has any Covid symptoms, you must self-congratulate for at least 14 days.
Level 3 – Robusticity
The lowest threat level is a special level for government ministers. Politicians must stand at least two meters apart when ‘talking to people on the doorstep – up and down the country.’ They must wear a mask when using words and phrases like robust, common sensical, ramp up, huge, and the British people.
*Advice correct at time of going to press