Treasury Department officials met with Dominic Cummings and Dominic Johnson to explain that the entire debt accrued as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic has been secured against the future earning of pop supremo Adele. London songstress Adele, had given her consent for the government to secure its borrowing against the proceeds of her next three albums, due to be titled: ‘34’, ‘FFS 35’, and ‘Somehow Still Looks 30’.
‘Adele’s f*cking fuming! She’s been nationalised and needs to be out there, singing for Britain. How is the debt supposed to repaid if there’s no economy, and the security for the debt is sat on her arse playing COD?’ ranted a Treasury insider. ‘We never told number 10 where the cash came from to support the workforce through the crisis. Dominic just said: ‘Visualise cash, realise cash, utilise cash’. So we did.
‘We had a World Tour planned for Adele, which downsized into a World Tour of Haven Holiday Parks, which turned into a World Tour of Adele belting out hits dangling from a helicopter over Hyde Park. ’
In return for acting as security, national asset Adele was to be honoured with a Damehood. Also, to be the only contestant on her own series of Bake-Off, number one billing on: every TV show, every charity concert, and every festival requiring over one hundred portaloos, in perpetuity. The insider continued: ‘Thanks to number 10 shutting down all indoor social activity in the capital, the most we’ll get out of Adele will be her telling everyone to ‘F*ck off!’ on Zoom from her bed, while she lobs a hand-grenade into a nest of insurgents!
‘And with Boris cajoling artists and performers to reboot as plumbers and cyber experts, it’s a good job we’ll have Matt ‘karaoke’ Hancock to fall back on.
‘Oh! We’re screwed. ’