Zero evidence to suggest Northerners don’t’ wash their hands – but it sounds true


There is a growing suspicion amongst those who have never been north of the Watford gap, that Covid hotspots are caused by unsanitary Geordies and Liverpudlians who take baths with their pit pony.  Explained one scientist: ‘There is no data whatsoever to suggest the North of England is less clean then the rest, it is just a cruel and unwarranted caricature – which I’m inclined to agree with’.

While the science suggests that the coronavirus is rampant because of population density and student migration, it is easier to assume that it is due to your proximity to the Lake District.  Seven out ten Londoners are convinced that the virus is spread by whippets, hobnail boots and too much suet pudding.

Meanwhile, Manchester is refusing to enter a higher tier of lockdown, as it would just confirm the idea that ‘track’n’trace’ cannot work, as Covid is spread by racing pigeons.  Complained one Londoner: ‘How are these people going to get the necessary vitamin D if they all live in coal mines?’

Said one exasperated Lancashire resident: ‘They just think we all sleep six to a bed, are covered in soot and sh$t in the street.’  Asked about the stereotype that all Northerners are a bunch of unruly savages, who just want to descend on the south and wreak havoc. ‘Yeah, that bits true’

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Posted: Oct 19th, 2020 by

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