Ardern apologises as decent, fair campaign leads to landslide victory

Poling Station

Jacinda Ardern has apologised to her partner, Clarke Gayford, for winning a record victory in New Zealand’s General election.

‘We’ve got one of those modern equal partnership things,’ said an understandably distraught Mr. Clarke, wearily wiping infant sick off the lapel of his velour leisurewear top. ‘So we played ‘rock, paper, scissors’ to decide who got to follow their dream career first. Jacinda won with ‘earthquake’, which to be honest, I should have queried at the time.’

Superwoman Jacinda soon became Prime Minister, winning international acclaim for the steadfast way she dealt with natural disasters, terrorism, and British caravanners exuberantly spreading Covid-19 around the otherwise virus-free country.

‘The 2020 election was to be our swap over,’ explained Mr Gayford, sadly mothballing his nice suit back in the wardrobe. ‘We had a foolproof system: Jacinda refrained from making spurious and unattainable promises, painting lies on the side of buses, closing the mail service, or accusing her rivals of being part of an international network of baby-eating Satanists- yet, somehow, she won a historic majority.’

‘We’re both devastated; we never saw this coming. Now the public will be denied my magnum opus fishing documentary for another four years, and Jacinda may never get to experience the joy of the Terrible Twos, tantrums, and 24/7 Peppa Pig. Bless her, she hid her heartbreak well when she phoned home to say she was off to the victory ball, and don’t wait up. What a woman.’

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Posted: Oct 20th, 2020 by

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