If an Eto-Oxfordian PM needs a covert job doing, does he enlist the services of the world-renowned British elite armed forces? No! He sends in a brigade of posh, cash-fat, pork-botherers, called the Bullingdon Club.
Mayor of Manchester, Andy Burnham MP, has refused to bend the Tier 3 knee, and instead argued along with fellow civic leaders to request a guarantee from the government over wages and job stability, for workers affected by the move. Country estate-size mistake.
At every service station on the M6, dinner-suited mercenaries, armed with Magnums, have been spotted patiently meditating on their prostates; a luxury that will be ill-afforded the couture dining establishments of city-centre Manchester.
Anonymous ex-Bullingdon hellraiser, Lord X of Bromchester, enlightened: “When a ‘black-tie ops’ is sanctioned on a target restaurant, there’s only one unit with the inheritance-based formal obsequiousness qualified to get the job done, pay for the damage, spend a night in chokey, then disappear into public life.
“The restaurants daren’t refuse the bookings because they need the money, and as long as the Bullers are cramming truffles up each other’s unmentionables, and dry-humping the Buddha water-feature, they’ll keep supplying.”
The Club’s roster includes many senior politicians: David ‘Dave’ Cameron, Jeremy ‘Rhymes With’ Hunt, and son of notorious hellraiser, Ozzy; George Osbourne.
“By the time the Bullers have finished their posh-f*cking, you won’t spot a Michelin star west of the Pennines until you reach Ireland. It’s a simple choice: tug the forelock into Tier 3 for two weeks, or get smashed into Tier Tatters until the builders leave.
“Lock up your lounges, Burnham, or sleep with the sushi!”