Living swordstick, Jacob Rees Mogg, has reminded all fine upstanding British noblemen to command their wives and servants to wind their Grandfather clocks and pocket watches this weekend back to a time when, admittedly, he was just as mocked, but could despatch any impudent sniggering barrow-boys directly by the ear to the bowels of Newgate Prison.
‘Surely, the monocled one opined, ‘In these dark days of displeasing brouhaha, there could be no better tonic than peregrinating hence to a time where we Gentlemen may revel in the Melpomenean delights of Hester Davenport, pop out in the interval to trounce those Caledonian upstarts once and for all, whilst not encumbering the undeserving hoi polloi with footling niceties such as the poor law and habeas corpus this time round.’
Both parliamentarian and ardent Royalist, Rees Mogg admitted to feeling somewhat torn about the impending beheading of Charles I, but was much cheered at the thought of introducing a new scrofula-tax for the urchin classes, and investing profitably in the newly-formed East India Pursue and Purge Consultancy.
‘Verily this great century didst also quail before the great conflagration of London,” he freestyled, thrilling at using what he considers vulgarly modern parlance for the last time. “But as long as we of a civilised intellect ignore the injudicious directions of those witless fire watchmen and follows simple British common sense, I predict a New World-colonising, Empire-exulting result for those of us who matter.’
hat-tip to Mirthless Evil C