Free school meals limited to Michaelmas, Lent and Trinity term dates say Tories

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Free school meals will be limited to the traditional 8 week public school and Oxbridge term time dates, senior Conservatives confirmed today.

The move comes after Tories highlighted how millions of children were clearly gaming the system in order to overcome their extreme hunger by deliberately registering at state schools for their education, where term times were often 4 or 5 weeks longer than those at Eton, Harrow and Winchester.

‘Where’s the high profile media campaign to address this anomaly?’, said Ben Bradley, removing his head momentarily from his own arse to tuck into a beef goulash at the subsidised House of Commons cafeteria, for £3.33. ‘How can it be fair that a child in Rochdale can continue to claim a hot sausage and mash meal and a piece of fruit throughout the first half of December, long after the heavy oak doors have closed on the refectories of our great fee paying schools’.

’13 week terms create a dependency on the state for food, as well as severely limiting the opportunities to instruct your own cook to rustle you up a quick lunch using produce from your own farm,’ argued Jacob Rees Mogg, between courses in the Members Dining Room (Pan fried salmon with courgette provencale, £7.33)

‘We want to encourage children to use their ingenuity and put their own quick, tasty hampers together to take in to show to their beaks’, continued Rees-Mogg, sipping a large glass of Merlot (£4.31). ‘Remember, late November is a great time for roast swan, and whilst the purist might say a decent fillet of wild boar should be marinated overnight, you can get reasonable results by flash frying it – its great for sharing with your fellow wet bobs at chambers…sorry, I mean morning break. Chin chin’.

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Posted: Oct 25th, 2020 by

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