In a small, private ceremony Nigel Farage has been joined in matrimony with the good ship Nave Andromeda, in a union between a man and a symbol of why we need more Spitfires. For the ceremony, Nigel donned a simple wedding gown made from mustard tweed, while the Andromeda was wrapped in fifty tonnes of reinforced steel, designed by David and Elizabeth Emanuel. They both promised to love, honour and get Brexit done, while the sixteen members of the Special Boat Service who stormed the tanker were retained as bridesmaids.
Farage had already been twice married, once to a British bulldog and then, later, to a rolled-up copy of the Magna Carta. Yet, friends were confident this one would last: ‘The tanker has everything Nigel could want in a bride. It’s dirty and foreign, full of oil and Nigerian immigrant stowaways. There’s a threatened border and lots of media attention.’