Following the Tories latest humiliating defeat over the timing allowed for the reading of their Brexit bill, things took an alarming turn when party ‘Spartan’ Mark Francois stormed the chair and took The Speaker hostage, just as the chamber was clearing at the conclusion of business.
‘Portly’ Mark is now reported to be holed up with Mr Bercow and is armed with a First World War issue Lee Enfield rifle which he is said to be ‘waving around in a worrying manner’. The Speaker has been forced to strip down to his string vest and boxers and is currently tied to the chair with several knotted-together Territorial Army Regiment neckties.
The sensational drama unfolded, when following voting, the tough-talking windbag draped in a Union Jack and with matching headband, leapt athwart the despatch box and cried out: ‘Father in heaven as you have commanded me, so then shalt thy will be done! This great nation will be an empire once more and leave the EU on Halloween. No ifs… no buts!’ It was at this point he then took Mr Bercow captive.
It’s understood a team of police marksmen are in the public gallery trying to get a clean shot to take Francois out with a tranquilizer dart, and should this prove possible he will then be winched into a crate and taken to a home for the criminally bumptious, where it’s hoped he will undergo intensive rehabilitation.
The tense stand-off has now entered its twelfth hour and shows no signs of ending. When informed of the development, Boris Johnson, who had stalked out of the chamber like a big petulant schoolboy after losing yet another vote, and consequently missing the drama, said: ‘Mark who?’