The north is in Tier 3. What other ways of not saying ‘lockdown’ can Boris use?

tiers

Firebreak – The Welsh word for lockdown. It’s not a lockdown, it’s a firebreak and a firebreak is handy for separating essential and non-essential items in a supermarket without using actual fire, yet

Kit Kat – ‘Have a break, have a Kit Kat’, so the advert goes. Doomed to failure as a phrase to replace lockdown, as the slogan implies the consumer has a choice. Give plebs a choice about lockdown and they’ll respond with graphic displays of drunken street porn. No

Circuit Break – Electrical in nature. First implemented in Northern Ireland to describe a short intermission in social activity to prevent virus transmission. Also used to describe the system when a fuse has blown. Avoid

Press Pause – Media vernacular of allowing an activity to stop temporarily. Used too often, this phrase builds irritation, as when repeatedly trick or treated when watching Corrie. ‘Pressing pause’ too often with the public will likely see the presser have their remote control confiscated in the form of a no-confidence vote. Ditch

Fag Break – Almost extinct. A break used to halt every known human activity, in order to spend five minutes outside inhaling toxic substances to facilitate a greater sense of well-being, unless you are an Old Etonian, in which case it means beating a younger boy to death for not cleaning your shoes well enough. Quite the opposite effect to lockdown. Stub this one out

Bring on the Magic Sponge – Football terminology. Carried by the trainer of the team currently winning, the magic sponge t is a weapon used to facilitate the wasting of time by being dipped in cold water and rubbed on a seemingly life-threatening injury, only to miraculously cure the injury a precious minute later. Likely to incite violence among fans of the losing team

Pulling in at the Services – Often on a long and arduous journey, distraction and fatigue can set in. Pulling in at the services allows for a short break to stretch one’s legs, visit toilet facilities, or simply have a brew before returning to the journey with oneself refreshed, or one’s partner taking over. Also applies to motorway driving. Use for the lockdown preceding ‘Fag Break’

Manflu – ‘Her Majesty’s government has initiated a countrywide state of Manflu. All non-essential businesses will be required to feel sorry for themselves, groan intermittently, and lie on the sofa watching football matches from the 1980s. The state of Manflu shall persist until essential businesses demand non-essential businesses, ‘stop being pathetic and get off their lazy arses’ or other non-essential businesses request amalgamation on Sunday morning for a kickabout.’ Red card

Safe Word – Even the faintest muffled utterance of the safe word means immediate cessation of activities. But if there is no prior agreement with the Prime Minister on what the safe word is, then he is likely to get the job done until one can smell bacon sizzling.

Giving the Mugger What He Wants – Long-term lockdown terminology. Rather than wrestling the mugger to the ground, take an indefinite breather from any helpful preventative measures and let them pummel you to bits

Scream if You Want to Go Faster – Fairground vernacular which, regardless of any communication from those on board, leads to no pause or reduction in speed, and centripetal sick everywhere

Ad Break – Rudely interrupts something you were actually enjoying (or Love Island) to sell you useless things you didn’t know you never wanted, like Union Jack-branded anything (including opinions), symbolic-only Japanese trade deals and Prince Andrew postcards (available in a Balmoral skip now)

Top Totty – If you’re able to lay your hands on a prime example then there is clearly no need to leave the house under any circumstances and you’re perfectly free to ignore all and every type of scientific advice. Often used in conjunction with the more furtive ‘under table thigh squeeze,’ normally deployed during a private lunch

Hat tips Steve B and Filthy Rich

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Posted: Oct 26th, 2020 by

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