Lewisham man tired of stockpiling for Brexit


Bill Charles, 56, from Lewisham, has declared he’s ‘fed up to the back teeth’ of stocking up for Brexit. ‘On the run up to the original date I filled my pantry with twenty kilos of sugar, over one thousand Tetley tea bags and nearly one hundred tins of beans. I don’t eat beans and haven’t taken sugar in over eight years,’ he added. ‘Tell the truth, I prefer coffee too.’

‘Then, when they deferred the date I started stocking up on prophylactics, Oxo cubes and coal. I don’t have a coal fire and haven’t had sex since I gave up sugar.’

‘When Boris said he’d die in a ditch rather than miss the 31st, I thought – here we go, this is it. I sold my house and rented a storage unit with a cold store in the corner, bought seven tonnes of pork produce – did I mention I’m Jewish and Vegan? Two hundred kilos of King Edward potatoes despite being starch-intolerant and a kilo of cocaine, but that had nothing to do with Brexit, I’m a commodity broker.’

Now that Brexit has been pushed back until the New Year, Bill is at a loss over what to do next. ‘The storage unit is full, the sugar has become tainted with the forty litres of semi-skimmed milk that has gone off – did I mention my lactose intolerance? – the King Edwards are festering and the prophylactics are showing signs of UV deterioration. Perhaps I should have left them in the wrappers. I admit, I was curious and they seemed to wash well’

Bill added that he does not regret voting for Brexit, despite being declared insolvent and homeless as his storage unit hasn’t been certified for human occupation. ‘I’m OK – I’ve got a bucket to crap in,’ he said. ‘Two hundred and twenty buckets to be precise. Still, at least I’m taking back control. I’ve got one hundred and thirty three, all Panasonics, in a box in the south east corner of the unit. I wish I’d bought the TVs they belong too as well, or at least one.’

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Posted: Oct 27th, 2020 by

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