An urgent DNA test ordered by concerned White House staff after his address to the nation in fluent Mandarin, has proved that Donald Trump not only does has a secret Chinese bank account, but is also a fully paid-up member of the Communist party. A senior doctor said Trump was fully capable of whipping off a fly’s testicles at short notice through his mastery of chopsticks and ancient Kung Fu.
Many Republicans find themselves torn. Hank Klansman, leader of the vegan-loving peace-promoting Evangelical Proud Boys, said: ‘First we had the Havana library card discovered in Eisenhower’s wallet, then it was Nixon’s all-expenses-paid account with the local Vietnamese takeaway. I guess it means we’re still gonna vote, although it will now be for Chairman Trump.’
In the ongoing panic, Trump’s security detail has found a secret facemask factory in the East Wing and Melania has been relocated to a four-star Uighur re-education centre. Meanwhile, the Vice President has hurriedly changed his name to Comrade Xi Jinping Pence and the CIA is opening a full investigation into The Trump Wet Market Corporation of Wuhan.