The American Psychological Association has halted months of speculation about what is wrong with Donald Trump by concluding that his problem is not actually malignant narcissism, sociopathy or megalomania, as widely suggested, but a much more common affliction called ‘being a complete c*nt’.
‘Some of us have perhaps over-analysed the problem when the solution was staring us in the face all along,’ admitted association president Dr Susan McDaniel. The APA, she added, has devised a scorecard system to monitor the classical symptoms of extreme c*ntishness and President Trump scores highly on all four of them:
(1) Being an obvious c*nt
(2) Talking like a c*nt
(3) An uncontrollable urge to act the c*nt in public
(4) Behaving like a c*nt towards basically everyone
McDaniel added that there has sometimes been confusion among psychologists and the general term because the technical term ‘c*nt’ is often used rather loosely. ‘In fact, there are many degrees of c*ntishness, even among Republican Presidents. So, whilst it would be pedantic not to call Nixon a crooked c*nt, Ford a useless c*nt, Reagan a brain-dead c*nt and George W. Bush a thick, nasty c*nt, their conditions were radically different to Trump’s.’
The APA has warned that the problem may well manifest itself in even more alarming ways in future now that, as President, Trump’s chipolata-like fingers are permanently in close proximity to both the US’s nuclear codes and the private parts of plenty of smoking hot young interns. Indeed, in one crucial way, his case may be the worst APA members have ever had to deal with.
‘Being a c*nt is a condition that is constantly manifesting itself in ever more extreme ways,’ said McDaniel. ‘It is very rare for c*nts to be cured. And even if that miracle were to happen, with his weird bile-coloured Orang-utan comb-over, the knee-length red tie and the complexion halfway between Cotswold stone and a Cheesy Wotsit, Trump will still always look an absolute c*nt. Except, I suppose, to the stupid c*nts who voted for him.’