Your five a day counts towards Rule of Six, government confirms


Christmas has been thrown into turmoil, as new government guidance now includes vegetables towards the number of people that you can safely pull a cracker with, meaning that most family get-togethers will be incompatible with a traditional Christmas lunch with all the trimmings. Explained a spokesman from the Department of Health: ‘It’s a choice between Grandma or the Brussels sprouts. I imagine quite a lot of people will say “Neither, actually”, but there we go.’

People now have the option between either a healthy festive meal or the comfort of their family, accompanied by a bumper-size packet of Twiglets. One would-be reveller commented: ‘I like my parents, I really do, but I love roasties even better. And my racist uncle can’t compare to a mashed swede – at least when it comes to conversation.’

Tough decisions will need to be made, between the relative merits of relatives and the tastiness of certain veg, the government has warned. ‘Some tough decisions are unavoidable,’ the official continued. ‘You might be happy to trade turnips in order to see your delightful nephew, but would you really give up buttered peas for your senile great-aunt. Then again, if you think that’s tough, imagine Boris Johnson’s household this Christmas. Actually, no, on second thoughts, don’t.’

Turkeys were hopeful that the rule of six might extend to them and that this might finally be a good reason to vote for Christmas. However, they have now been told: ‘Even if you’re soaked in Coronavirus brine, basted with a Covid swap and stuffed with a SAGE, you’re still getting eaten.’

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Posted: Oct 29th, 2020 by

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