Tier 5 would be free porn, government confirms

Young couple having sex with woman in ecstasy- shoot with lens baby; Shutterstock ID 211213135; Purchase Order: rs.com

The government has announced that, should the coronavirus pandemic persist through a Tier 4 hard lockdown, they will stream pornography onto any device capable of receiving it at no charge, in order to bring all human social activity to a standstill.

Scientists and council leaders had earlier said they expected Tier 4 to be a hard lockdown similar to the one initiated in March, fuelling speculation as to what would occur during a Tier 5 restriction.

‘If the virus continues to spread through a Tier 4 hard lockdown, apart from shooting everyone, there’s only one guaranteed means of subjugating the masses: free porn,’ said Downing Street advisor Quentin Timms.

‘Streaming filth directly onto depraved people’s devices would instantly grind society to halt. We would obviously issue a forewarning for the need to stockpile loo rolls, blister plasters, etc. But once the porn knob is pressed, so to speak, the whole of the UK’s infrastructure will collectively grab its genitals and grind itself into a catatonic stupor.’

A Tier 5 ‘pornsplash’, the government projects, would put an end to the need for daily outdoor exercise and would probably get rid of the thorn in its side that is Extinction Rebellion. Fathers 4 Justice would definitely be gone. Thankfully, however, there would be little or no effect on the efficiency of government itself.

‘The issue of parental guidance was something we debated, but then employing it would only limit the number of screens available to parents,’ said Timms. ‘The only downside we envisage is if Michael Gove’s home movies get out there and go viral. The consequent outbreak of projectile vomiting would be a pandemic we’d never recover from.’

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Posted: Oct 31st, 2020 by

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