American serial killers getting too fat to do it properly


Nearly 70 per cent of American serial killers are morbidly overweight, with many of them too fat to catch their victims, a disturbing new study has found. One doctor has predicted that the only psychopathic murderers left in the US by 2025 will be on TV shows like Dexter and Mindhunter.

‘The public has become accustomed to the image of the svelte and agile killer such as Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer,’ explained Professor Bart Bilberg of Harvard.

‘However, the reality is sadly different for many, with lack of exercise the most frequently reported problem. Killers often have to spend up to six hours motionless hiding in shrubbery as they stalk their victims, and many report that they’re afraid to go jogging in case someone recognises them from America’s Most Wanted.’

Prison governors have confirmed that this trend is putting severe strain on the correctional system, especially on Death Row, with some last meals having to be delivered to the cell by forklift.

‘I wouldn’t envy anyone who has to dismember me and hide my remains,’ said Billy-Bob Henchley, a 28-stone murderer and cannibal from his maximum security cell in Tampa. However, the upside is that he has been living a comfortable life on Death Row for the last 28 years. ‘The Appeals Court ruled that it would be ‘cruel and unusual’ if the gurney collapsed under me on the way to the execution chamber.’

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Posted: Nov 1st, 2020 by

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