Translations of Boris Johnson press briefings to follow several days later


Normal people who are not mental have taken it upon themselves to translate the diarrhoea which spills out of the Prime Minister’s mouth, especially the drivel in briefings to the nation billed as important.

Recognising that no one has any idea what Boris Johnson is wibbling on about, linguistic specialists will go to work as soon as the leader of the UK stops making noises. ‘Sometimes we think we hear structure in the sound patterns, not unlike when a baby defecates in its nappy, but the accompanying physical gestures don’t suggest anything of significance is being conveyed.’

Once the bumbling, stuttering and superfluous ‘I-I-I-I’ repetitions have been removed, the essence of what has been spouted will be vaguely guessed at. That information will be passed to experts in deciphering what nutters in asylums babble. The hope is that three or four actual words will be gleaned, the antonyms to which can be published in the hope it will mean something to anyone. A senior Civil Servant at the Foreign Office sighed, ‘He might be trying to tell us that another nation had declared war on us and no one would have a clue.’

Cabinet members have long been applying the ‘smile and nod enthusiastically’ technique whenever their crap-out-of-mouth-machine leader emits things. ‘We’re not entirely convinced the Prime Minister himself knows what he is attempting to say, so we just pretend we’ve understood and then don’t actually do anything. It’s not like he would notice if we didn’t carry out any instructions he may or may not be ordering. We’re pretty sure everyone can ignore anything which comes out of his mouth. It’s not like anything helpful has ever emanated from him.’

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Posted: Nov 2nd, 2020 by

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