Panic-buying Olympics off the blocks in exactly the way you’ll be picturing


With the government teetering on the brink of a “Sh*t, looks like it’s unavoidable, that remaining £37.20 furlough pot is going to be a hard sell” lockdown, medal-crazed top-level selfish shoppers are plaguing supermarkets like a plague of plague-ridden locusts.

With most homes still stuffed full of pasta, loo rolls, and unused sourdough flour from the qualifying rounds, rumours that this time supermarkets will be required to rope off non-essentials (the ‘Welsh fatuity’), have seen action transfer from traditional heritage matches to new events like the pointless garden tat high jump and the you’ll-never-use stationery rhythmic gymnastics.

“This is where my inter-lockdown training in Home Bargains pays off,” said professional hoarder Jen Samson, warming up for her assault on gold in the ‘senseless credit card slalom’. “The whole family’s still living crammed into the lounge, apart from Jason, who we haven’t seen since March. I’m just frisbeeing Findus Crispy Pancakes over the canned tomatoes blockage, and hoping for the best come mucking-out time.

“That’s now looking like 2023, going on how long it takes to eat through a ton of frankfurter, kitchen roll, and cat food chilli, even longer as we don’t have a cat. But I had a clear line to the pet food sprint-finish; plus you can’t have too many lawn sprinklers, glitter pens, and loft-ladders, can you?”

The hastily-scheduled tournament has seen the supermarkets divided into on-trend tiers, with Aldi and Lidl vying for 5-carat gold-standard ravaging, Asda, Morrison’s and Tesco’s competing hard for silver in the trolley-inflicted injuries relay, and Sainsbury’s bringing up bronze in the trying-to-carry-off-insouciance brioche aisle bunfight, with Waitrose and Booths ruled out on “what’s the fuss, surely we’ve all got fully stocked wine cellars and game larders?” technicalities.

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Posted: Nov 3rd, 2020 by

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