The UK’s leading conservative politicians and specialists in turning a crisis into a fully-fledged, all-singing, all-dancing Channel Four drama, have decided to single-handedly save Christmas for the nation by making a record.
At an emergency meeting of the scientific advisory group, DOOM, advisors told ministers to scrap Christmas due to the exponential rate of the government panic level and push it back to June 2021 at the earliest. Matt Hancock raised objections but was advised that there is no observable evidence that Santa exists. With morale at an all-time low, the Prime Minister and cabinet colleagues decided it was time to act.
A Downing Street aide confirmed that the album would be broadcast throughout the nations cities, towns and villages on a 24/7 basis, using the old fleet of rusted ’Migrants go back where you came from you bunch of useless free-loading tossers,’ vans.
Several popular hits have been identified. These include: ‘I Wish it Could be Lockdown Every Day’, ‘Fairy Tale of Help for the Self-Employed’ and ‘Turned Away at the Border and Fined for Driving Home for Xmas.’ In the unlikely event of morale not being boosted, then the songs will act as an effective deterrent in preventing people from ever leaving their homes, as the side effects are likely to make them violently sick.