Which self-empowering resolutions will you ditch two days into lockdown?

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Let’s face it, we’ve all said: “If there is another lockdown, I’ll be so much more productive”. So, which chronically delusional aspirational activities will you abandon for a tub of Celebrations, Netflix, and a round-the-clock Disney onesie?

Achieving inner peace
Download an app with a suitably condescending lotus flower logo and fill the air with twice the usual amount of scented candle smog. Find a quiet space within your home to sit uncomfortably cross-legged and drown out the calming silence with the sound of your snoring. If repeated attempts at meditation don’t fill you with inner peace, a bottle and a half of chardonnay will.

Making butter
As you’re a master bread maker from lockdown 1, it makes perfect sense to progress on your journey to producing sustainable toast from scratch by churning butter by hand. You’ve already purchased the authentic churning equipment and practised milking on a rubber glove strapped to the dog. But, you don’t have enough room in the shed to keep a cow because of all the family’s crap. Thanks a lot!

Zoom quizzes
Researching the royal family is a good start. Focusing solely on Kate Middleton’s wardrobe could guarantee you a win in the Friday couples’ quiz, if you didn’t then go on to waste two days building a vlog scrapbook of the Duchesses dresses. Consider expanding your resource base beyond OK Magazine. Then don’t.

Getting to know your children better
They’re growing up and sometimes you feel like you don’t know them. Take a couple of days to familiarise yourself with the games on their consoles, then spend the rest of lockdown obsessively erasing their high-scores, or building the perfect Minecraft fairy kingdom with your friend, Midday Margarita.

Organising your photos
The photos and videos of your kids on that ten year-old laptop won’t organise themselves. Have every intention of sorting them into categories according to holidays, events and special occasions for each child, including sub-categories for family and friends. In actuality, spend the entire day sobbing uncontrollably and posting every second photo to social media until the internet itself blocks you.

Changing the world
The world would be a much more harmonious place if only it ran by your rules. If Greta Thunberg can make a difference, why can’t you? And no, you’re not being funny; lockdown does only last a month, and Greta doesn’t have two kids and a manflu-infested partner to manage, or a £50 wowcher for Krispy Kreme Donuts to redeem by the end of the month. You’ll be so much more productive in lockdown 3.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2020 by

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