President Trump’s personal towel says it is being blamed for his refusal to accept defeat in the US election: ‘With Trump playing more golf than usual, I am in constant demand. It’s never been fun being the Donald-wiper, but White House towels swear an oath of confidentiality. I’ve been pestered to write a book, a screenplay, an article for The Washington Post. I have always kept my counsel, especially when I got mixed up with Melania’s towel.’
‘Now though other White House bathroom accessories are pressuring me to act as a kind of white flag, despite my intermittent orange smears. As Trump’s personal towel, it would be me who would be thrown in to signify POTUS is now IMPOTUS. But I can’t throw myself in. It’s unfair to expect this of me. The trouble is, towels don’t have any agency of their own, any more than they can talk. So here I am again in the dirty laundry basket, awaiting a generous application of Trump’s favourite fabric softener – Big Mac Fragrance. Now how do you do that little trade mark sign? Please don’t blame me.