Ministers have announced a ‘brilliant’ way for Britain to jump the queue with the Pfizer vaccine, by placing a rush order through a dormant greetings card company registered in Liechtenstein by somebody who went to school with half the Cabinet.
“We need to move quickly, decisively and without undue regard to red tape, established procurement processes or the law”, said a spokesman. “There’s an enormous amount of preparation needed before we can roll out the vaccine. Dido Harding has enlisted Serco to find the thousands of people we’ll need to do the injections. We’re thinking of using prisoners on day release – they’re cheap, and very experienced with syringes. There’s none of that wasteful ‘one syringe per person’ malarkey either, so it’s good for the environment”.
The vaccine will need to be stored at minus eighty degrees, though nobody seems sure whether that’s Fahrenheit or Centigrade. To be on the safe side Chris Grayling has been tasked with sourcing the thousands of fridges needed. He is expected to award the contract to a ferry company, or possibly a turkey farm or paintball operator. Definitely not a fridge supplier, that would be too obvious.
Ministers also have contingency plans for when if the trillion doses don’t appear. The North can share one dose, since people up there reckon they’re tough, and the greetings card company has promised a discount on cards saying ‘Sorry Your Nan Died’, so all bases are covered.
In other news, Frank Spencer is thinking of standing for parliament.