The nation’s favourite annual appeal hits the telly boxes this week. Promising a jam-packed extravaganza of top Tory toff entertainment, the show will be hosted by the hilarious and ever-popular human dynamo, Michael Gove.
After raising a record £36bn last year for such deserving Tory causes as the penal reform group ‘Hang ’em High,’ a stellar line-up of familiar faces and national treasures return to help raise money for disadvantaged, disgruntled, down-trodden conservatives everywhere.
A tearful Jacob Rees-Mogg pays a visit to a special needs educational establishment in Eton where disadvantaged pupils often go two days without having caviar or Quails eggs.
Matt Hancock tours a private hospital in Berkshire where Botox patients are forced to wait a scandalous twenty minutes or for an appointment with a consultant and where supplies of Bolinger champagne and solid silver syringes are running dangerously low.
Musical highlights feature Priti Patel performing a hip hop version of Led Zeppelins’ Immigrant Song’ with Little Mix, while Dominic Cummings provides an operatic rendition of the classic ‘It’s my Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to.’
Resplendent in a gold lame suit, an ebullient Mr Gove said the work of the appeal was hugely important. “Last year, for example, over £5.3bn went to vital PR consultants and more than £13bn to impoverished merchant bankers. As always, the money will be invested wisely and allow Tories like me to continue shopping at upmarket interior design companies to freshen up our second homes.”