The Prime Minister’s Director of Communications has revealed the reason for quitting Downing Street was to pursue a career as the Arsenal FC mascot, Gunnersaurus.
In a dual resignation with Dominic Cummings, Mr Cain will return to a previous love of dressing-up as a chicken for the Daily Mirror to make the public and in particular David Cameron laugh.
Mr Cain explained, “Dom’s off to do some advisory work in the Vatican, but after all the misery and hardship brought on with being the PM’s spad I wanted to return to a job where I could entertain and put a smile on people’s faces. Although, that’ll be a tough job at Arsenal. Haha.”
“Typically, the media portrayed our departures from Downing Street as a hostile bust-up with Boris and Carrie Symonds. Nothing could be further from the truth, it was all very civil, really. When we handed in our notices two weeks ago, Boris said he’d name his next two children after us, which drew a stern look from Carrie, until Boris corrected himself, saying he meant dogs, not children. We all fell about laughing.
“We had a delightful send-off, the Downing Street staff laid on a charming little farewell party for myself, and Dominic. We had speeches, toasts, and slaughtered a goat in a pentangle and drank the blood from its still-beating heart. Just lovely.”